Eyes bleed Tears 20

"Sasuke... you know what?"

"Yeah, what?" I murmur quietly.






"...I'm probably going to die soon."

Chapter 20: Looks can't kill, but hearts can strike


I start hearing a chuckle and I frown in confusion. It had taken me a lot of courage to talk to him about myself and what I have burdened upon me but Sasuke is laughing away at that.
I know he's not one to betray me, hurt my feelings or laugh at me sadistically...
So...why is he laughing?

"What kind of joke is that?" Sasuke asks after his chuckle subsides a little, "definitely not the kind to say when you're hospitalised."

Oh...okay. He thought it was a joke...

It feels a little disappointing and relieving at the same time. My message isn't getting through when I'm finally trying to talk to him about myself, but taking it as a joke means I still have a second chance, like an escape route for me to back away from talking to Sasuke about myself...

But no... I can't keep running away like this I think, and build up my courage once again.
But just as I open my mouth to speak, Sasuke starts talking.


--

"...I'm probably going to die soon."

I nearly choke on myself when I hear those words come out of Naruto's mouth.
I shouldn't be saying this, but I am just so grateful that he's blind right now, because my face would have been such a great give away.
The silence strangles my throat but even when I open my mouth to respond, nothing comes out of it and I'm lost for words.
When I realise that I had been holding my breath, I let the air out of my lungs in a shaky breath. That's when my voice lets out a breathy laugh for some reason.
Losing my control of my emotions, I start laughing uncontrollably.

Maybe I'm going insane...

Too much information was overloading my brain, way over the capacity for me to be able to comprehend and understand. But they just keep building up in my mind like one flick of snowball creating an avalanche, burying me deep within the cold, heavy snow.

It's too heavy.
It's too suffocating.
It's burying me alive.

Maybe... it's easier for me to give myself up... and just let myself become insane... I start to think, but my eyes don't miss Naruto's shaking hands that is put upon his lap.

No... If I give up here, that will be betraying Naruto...
I need to stay strong...

I need to stay strong...
I need to stay by Naruto's side.

I control my laughter, and then come up with something to say to relieve the tension Naruto is slowly building upon himself before he crushes himself with it, "what kind of joke is that? Definitely not the kind to say when you're hospitalised..."

I know he had build up so much courage to say this, but I'm not just quite ready to handle the violent turbulence that will rack my life till it shatters.

Just...just not yet...
I need just a bit more time... only just a little bit...

Naruto keeps mute, and I can't really see what he's feeling. He's hiding his emotions under that unemotional mask again that he excels at putting on.

I give up trying to read his face and face outside the window where the light greyish clouds neatly pastes itself over the wide sky, not letting out a speck of blue show anywhere. It's not a stormy and gloomy grey, but it won't show me any bits of the blue sky that hides behind those clouds, reminding me of something I lost...


"You know what? I really loved your eyes..." I mutter.

Like they'd clear anything tainted, compared to my eyes that are just coal black, as if it'll consume everything into the darkness.

I'm like a living shadow with black hair, black eyes and pale, lifeless skin...
In contrast, you have clear azure blue eyes with warm coloured skin and rosy cheeks when you blush... they're always full of life.

"But when I found out that you couldn't see... I actually felt a little relieved... and happy almost...funny, don't you think?"
Naruto looks this way with his mouth slightly agape. He doesn't understand me at all and that's understandable, so I continue on with a slight smile forming on my lips.

"Because for all this time you had been with me, you never judged me by the looks when everybody else had been," I narrow my eyes and relax my face as I feel how much I appreciation I had towards Naruto," even if I tell them to scram, glare at them or tell them to piss off they would just follow me around like some superstar. Just because of my looks. It was really annoying. Everybody was annoying. But... knowing that you were blind, I realised that it meant that you probably would have become my friend even if I was ugly."

"Are you boasting that you're hot?" Naruto chuckles at me, "some confidence you got there."
I don't reply by laugh with him, knowing that it's just a joke.

We're joking around and laughing like usual. That's good.
That's how it should be...

--

"You always used to stare right into my eyes... so I thought you could not just see me, but see through me. See everything. The inside too... so it was shocking to know that you couldn't see anything," Sasuke murmurs after slumping back onto my bed and follow his suit.

I can tell, by his tone, that he wasn't taking that fact that I was blind, a negative thing. His previous comment is an appreciation towards me, but it's the biggest praise I had ever gotten from anyone, so my heart is about to burst from happiness.

"So it's probably going to shock me if I could ever have the ability to see..." I reply, chuckling again.
It's impossible to see for me. But now I wish... just a little... to be able to see Sasuke's face. Because I had always been wondering how his facial features would be like. How softly he would express his face when talking to me.

I extend my hand towards Sasuke's face.
When I feel the soft cheeks of his, I feel him flinch in surprise.

"Oh, um...s-sorry..." I apologise in as I pull my hand back, "I just...wanted to feel it...because I can't...s-"

Before I get to finish my sentence, I feel my halfway-retracting hand being stopped by another. Sasuke's hand that had grasped my hand encourages slowly towards him until I once again feel his soft cheeks, double cupping his face with mine and his over top.

"I don't mind," Sasuke says softly, and by his tone, I can tell that he's smiling.
I blush at how soft his face is as I trace my thumb along his face down to his smiling lips and true enough, it's curling upwards.

He removes his hand from mine and says go for it, so I hesitantly slide my hands across his smooth features and feel the outline of his eyes, nose, mouth... and create an image in my head to try and make up more visually of what Sasuke would look like visually.

Even with touch, I see what he means by him having good facial features. His jaws have a nice curve and a sharp edge to the chin, his nose points out so smoothly off his face and his cheek so smooth that it dips in at the slight pressure of my fingers.
His facial proportions are like a master piece of perfection, that almost makes me burn with jealousy.

Maybe because of that, I had my face express something, because the next thing, I twitch in surprise from the touch upon my cheek.
Sasuke's feathery fingers play across my cheeks.

"...N-no!"
I feel myself flinch away from those fingers, a little afraid.
Afraid that he is touching me... me who is supposed to be dirty and ugly and infectious...

"Y-You shouldn't... touch me..." I stammer. I know my voice is shaky and I hate myself for that. I really liked his touch and I miss it now that it's gone.
But no, I'm a gross existence. I'm ugly. I'm not even supposed to be alive.
Since I got to feel and know how perfect Sasuke is, I feel more reluctant for him to near me with such affection.

Such a good looking person shouldn't be touching a filth like me...

"What kind of bullsh*t are you trying to pull at?" Sasuke then says, as if he reads my mind. He probably knows what I'm thinking. He's so good at reading minds, probably by reading my face expression... That's why when I truly want to hide my emotions; I force myself to put my guard up and become expressionless just like I had in the past. But recently it's hard to do so without thinking. It's off autopilot now, which is becoming highly inconvenient for me...

"Have you ever seen your face before?" Sasuke continues as he sighs, and I feel his fingertips again.
I pull back but his fingers follows and push my cheek back to face his way before cupping his soft delicate hands upon my roughened up, scarred cheeks.
The comparison is embarrassingly different and I feel ashamed of my face.

"Don't feel ashamed. You're not half-bad to look at too," Sasuke tells me, once again, reading my face expression or mind, whichever the one he does.
I doubt his words, but his next words make me pout.

"You don't trust me? Do I ever lie to you, Naruto?"
That's a mean question to ask at this kind of situation. Yes. Of course he won't, but he could still tell me a false encourage out of kindness.
Everybody had been spitting words at me as if I am a monster, so how could Sasuke come up to me and be the only one saying I'm not half-bad to look at?

I just can't understand...

"Well?" Sasuke asks.

"....no" I mutter quietly.

"You should credit yourself more. You are much better more than half of the people out there. And moreover, your heart is truly beautiful, and that's the main component that make of what you look like," Sasuke says.
These words truly mean something to me.

I feel the warmth from these words, and I feel myself relax into his touch.

Maybe it's okay... if it's just a little... if it's just...
Just Sasuke..

I feel myself form a smile, and with my great ability to remember important things, I had forgotten what I had been planning to tell him.
But for now, I let it stay forgotten for the next perfect moment I can try to create...
And next time, I will properly confess it...

And I feel that somehow Sasuke will understand me...